Hopeful Lies

How many lies can you tell? Ask yourself- I fucking hate everyone I have done- but guess what I told them constantly. I told them everyday to get to work- then I told them everyday to get through work. I am so sick of lying. So I am telling the world I am in hopes I will stop. I been drinking for about a week and half- and it’s a miserable existence. I say it’s self-medication- but it’s self destruction. Why do I torture myself like this I wish I know. Spending money on this poison instead of saving it. Hurting those that love me with every sip I carelessly and shamelessly guzzle. Becoming a person I actively hate. So today I am going to get one percent better by not taking that first sip. Then tomorrow I will continue by just not taking another sip. And if I want to drink I will beg the world for help- reach out and talk to someone. Or just write it down here for the world to see. I went over 3 years not drinking- and yet one drink in September has unleashed 3 months of utter agony. I am terrified right now-I been up since midnight unable to sleep. Just a constant running mind- full of shame and hatred for what I keep doing- and for the lies I kept spewing. But today will be different- I am delusional optimist and I know it will be better. Because any day sober is better than the hell that is drinking. So I start a new chapter of my life today- an honest one. I don’t have much right now but I do have hope. And that’s enough to get me by.