I am always fascinated by the mind and using techniques honed from sports to battle my own. I don’t think like most people- bi-polar is a terrorist- attacking your vulnerabilities when you least expect it-blowing up your life and leaving you left to pick up the pieces out of the shambles of your existence that got left behind. Each “episode”- be it manic or depressive- can destroy any remnants of your once normal life. Most people- at least those I know- don’t generally think about the overwhelming appeal of killing yourself when everything in their life is on an upswing- but that happens to me alot. Sometimes the better my days go-the stronger the urge is. I know these are false flags- my brain being like the Geto Boys and playing tricks on me- but no matter how many candles I stare at I still have to practice the distress tolerance of knowing these are just thoughts- and thoughts without deliberate intent are not actions.
I sometimes wonder if this is my minds actual defense system- a way of practicing dealing with these thoughts during good times in order so I won’t act on them during the worst of times. It sounds crazy- but practice does make perfect. So maybe my suicidal ideation on my best days is simple a way to protect myself from those urges on my worst. And this way of thought- if you relate it to the idea itself- would be a pretty transformative way of looking at suicidal ideation as a whole- as the fact my brain does its fire drill- a way of prepping myself for the worst- when I am at my healthiest. It’s not say I am overly excited about this process or prospect- but it’s a pretty positive spin on something in my life that has always been so troubling to myself.
I think it’s also freeing in a way- it makes me want to dare greatly because a healthy fear of death- or knowing that everything can end in a moment makes me want to push this life even further- and push those I care for to even greater success. It doesn’t mean I always make the best choices to get there- I can be too impulsive, I will speak my mind without thinking because I believe the cause is just without thinking of long term consequences of said words, and I will be beyond loyal to a fault. I will overlook certain situations- or continue down unsteady paths to get to the mountain peak because I am fearful if I don’t the success I desire won’t be achieved. This is both a blessing and curse- because sometimes I get lost on the trail without any sense of direction- making myself hike through utter misery to get to a path easily travelled by others who didn’t barrel past the sign post that would have shown them the easy way to the top. But I think this stubbornness also always me to create things no one else would- because they fear getting lost to much- the easy path might lead to a beautiful view- but the perception of how you see it won’t be the same once you arrive at that same summit.
This all leads into my current biggest fear that one of best friends might have cancer- we worked out today and he is waiting on a biopsy- but worried since his lymph nodes are swollen all over- he is constantly tired and aches all over. I did remind him of the one positive,”Even with cancer you can still out bench me.” Keeping it positive in the face of such uncertainty- and pain comes naturally to me. Am I personally inside freaking out because of this potential future of course- and do I judge myself for a couple weeks ago wanting to end my own life because my brain doesn’t work right. But I am learning that perspective is just that- perspective. I can beat myself up about how selfish I am about being depressed when I have my health- and my friend here could be giving a death sentence through no fault of how own. He is sober, vegan, works out daily, and has a six pack. But I realize that would be the easy way out because it would not force me to empathize with him truly. Instead of dealing with the pain of possible losing one of the few people in this world I can be honest with- I could instead deflect to the comfort of my own self-hatred. And when I realize I was possible following into that line of thinking it made me pretty fucking sad- self hatred is sometimes a cocoon for me- it’s easy to do because over the years I practiced it a lot. But showing up for a friend- being there genuinely in one of their darkest times is fucking hard. And something I damn well going to get better at- because a worse fate would be to not be at his side if this fucked up universe bestows this on him- and you best believe I am going to be his tag team partner to fight the battle this if it does become unfortunate truth.
Practice does make perfect. And even though I am greatly flawed human- everyday I am practicing to be a little bit better-a little bit more vulnerable, and a little bit more emphatic. Because the end like Billy King said about practice; It’s a lot easier to go all in on life when you know what you have to give to it.
Patrick Bernard 